Ten Minutes in the life of Mr. Andrew Shaun Sidebottom

Mr. Sidebottom, newly promoted Manager of the State House International Tea board, was not happy. Although he had specifically told them not to, they had placed on his door a shiny new metal plate, with the words 'Manager of the S.H.I.T' inscribed on it. It was bad enough that the board had a new modern and effective system of maintaining the databases according to the initials of its members, making the first name on the list, the manager's, A.S.S, but now, he was officially A.S.S, manager of the S.H.I.T. True though that was, whichever way one looked at it, he did not need it to be officially recorded in databases, however modern and effective they were. He decided he would do something about the whole affair later, and went off to the direction of his house, before making a sudden change of plan, heading towards the local pub instead.

There was something in the air that day, something Mr. Sidebottom realized as soon as he had suddenly turned towards the pub. He felt strangely important, as if he was a part of something bigger than himself, bigger than anyone else. The people he passed seemed to notice as well, and they drew away from him when they saw him, as if they were clearing the path for him. Everything seemed to move in slow motion, allowing him to observe everything with a new found clarity, and finally he found himself in front of the pub. He took a deep breath, heaved his chest, settled his hat, and entered, ready to change the world.

He entered the pub, sitting next to the lonely old man, and ordered a beer. They both drank silently for several seconds, and Mr. Sidebottom looked back at the scene around him. The pub was filled with people he did not know, people who were having fun. He suddenly felt as though he was not part of the scene, but watching it objectively. He felt disjointed from his immediate surroundings, the only thing real being himself and the beer, everything else part of some sort of unknown world, something he could never be part of. He decided to talk to the lonely old man.

"What are we doing here?"

The lonely old man did not respond, but he stared at Mr. Sidebottom, as if he was noticing him for the first time, even though he had been sitting next to him everyday for the past year, which he was. He went back to his drink.

"We're sitting and drinking."

"No, I meant what are we doing here in an existential sense."

The lonely old man went back to his drink, sipping several times, before he finally provided him with the benefit of his experience.

"You're quite the disturbed soul, you know."

"Does my being a disturbed soul make my question any more difficult to answer?"

"Your question is difficult to answer as it is."

"What are we doing here?"

"Look to the heavens, and you will feel an answer."

"The heavens provide no answer, just a distraction. The stars look pretty."

"Yes, indeed. One would be tempted to say they look very pretty."

"One must not yield to tempation."

"A good concept, in theory. In real life, however, absolutely useless."

"You learn your theory during real life."

"It isn't possible to study during the examination. Nobody is prepared. That is why everybody fails."

"Then what am I doing? All my youth, I felt like I was studying for something, preparing for something."

"You were preparing for life."

"I was alive at the time."

"You were preparing for the rest of your life."

"But I don't feel like I learnt anything."

"You didn't."

"Then what was I doing?"

"Preparing for life."

Mr. Sidebottom realized they were not getting anywhere, and he understood that there was no forward, no backward, everything went round and round in circles, no starting point, and definitely no ending point. He looked at the lonely old man again.

"You're quite the disturbed soul, you know."

For the first time in his life, the lonely old man made eye contact with Mr. Sidebottom.

"I know."

Buttons buttoned. Shirt tucked in, ironed smooth like his manner. Hair parted. Clean shaven. He was the suit wearing, democracy-loving, above-average, rich, young, and successful American man. They swooned when they saw him on the television, when they met him on the street. They had fallen in love with him without meeting him, they trusted him without knowing him, and they believed every lie that came out of his mouth. All he has do was flash his smile. 

But something was wrong.

He was too perfect, teeth too perfectly aligned, hair too perfectly combed, body too perfectly toned. There was something unsettling about him. He could not have been made by God, for God never bothered with the finer details, and his finer details were finer than anyone else's.

 

And yet today he was worried. 

For the first time in his life, in his massive air-conditioned office, as he sat behind his desk, staring at the pile of paperwork that lay before him, he started sweating. 'There is too much work for me', he thought, 'Even I am not capable of all this work.'  

The phones rang, all at the same time. Mr. Jones on line 1, Mr. Owen on line 2, Mr. Johnson on line 3. 'Sir, I need you to go through this paperwork', his secretary said, 'Also, your 5.00 appointment has been shifted to 4.30. Oh, and your wife called. She expects you home by 7.00 tonight.'

Outside, the traffic was getting noisier and noisier. Horns blaring away, abuses hurled back and forth, everything becoming louder and louder, threatening to reach some sort of climax, but just when it seemed to, only ignoring it and going further on.

 

'I need time, I need time.', he moaned, and without thinking, he closed his eyes, and for the first time in life, he prayed.

Suddenly, all the noise and chaos from everywhere dissapparated. His paperwork was no longer in front of him. The room was dark as night, silent, and it was bare, the only inhabitant being him, his chair, and his now empty desk. 

And then it happened. 

A ring of fire formed around him, seemingly engulfing the office, but in reality, whatever that was, somehow not causing any harm. Someone stood before him. Satan. He leaned over until his face was a breath away from his.

'What do you need?'

'I need time. I need the world to stop, I need time to think.' 

Satan smiled. 'You have five minutes.'

 

The clouds turned black, covering the sky, covering the world, and at one particularly spot, seemed to be sucked outwards, a big hole forming in the sky. The heavens had retreated. God had forsaken humanity. He could not help anymore.

He opened his eyes. Everything was stuck. Water in mid air going into his glass. His secretary tripping, about to fall, someone about to help her, someone laughing. Cars stuck in a silent traffic jams, noone honking, but everyone looking upset and angry. Two lovers in each others arms, in a passionate embrace, held together by time.

 

But he could move. He did not bother to be awestruck. There was no time for disbelief. He only had 5 minutes until time started again.

 

When his work was done, his sweat evaporating, his calm, confident manner reappearing, he smiled as he glanced at his watch, only to see it stuck. But still, surely five minutes must be over by now?

And then realized the horrible truth. 

Time was stuck, and five minutes would never be over! And he withdrew into a little corner, praying for forgiveness but hearing no answer, praying for mercy but only hearing a cruel laugh instead. 'I only gave you what you wanted. I stick to my word, you know. You have five minutes.' 

And he saw himself grow old in his office, submitting to the wrinkles that cut his face open, with everyone else staying the same, waiting patiently for their turn to grow old, waiting for five minutes, waiting for eternity.

COLLISION

Raju Singh was fat. He was short. He was unhappy. He would switch on the television, and he would see the thin people, the happy people. They would always smile. They smiled when they talked to other happy people, when they walked on their light-as-air shoes, when they ate food that made them stretch their lips even more to the point of saturation as they talked about how it was oh-so-scrumptious, when they slept on their comfortable beds, when they brushed their shiny teeth,when they read bedtime stories to their happy children. Even when they were unhappy, they faked a smile.

"I shall become thin.", he announced to noone in particular, just himself. He did in the elevator, and the people stared at him, but he no longer cared. They laughed at him when they realized he was serious, and he felt embrassed. But his mind was made up. He went to the gym.

"I wish to join the gym. How much does it cost for a year's membership?"
"That will be Rs. 1000, sir."
"Rs. 1000? No way! Make it Rs. 25000 and you got a deal!"
"25?! That's not possible! How about 8000?"
"15000 and that's my final offer!"
"Slim chance, fat man! Maybe I'll go up to 12000. But nothing else!"
"Fat chance, slim man! Maybe I'll go down to 13000. No more!"
"Alright fine, you win! 13000 it is."
"Whoo hoo!"

Raju Singh danced about, shook the man's hand, signed the papers, and notified The Telegraph about his plan. The news was in the front page the next day, and the story was picked up and pursued by The Times of India, The Hindustan Times, and soon The Guardian and other foreign newspapers. Reporters came in from everywhere, from all the cities of the world, each one asking the same questions. He gave interviews wherever he went, he was pursued on his way to the office, on his way from the office, in his car, in his house, in his friends' houses. It did not matter where he was. He was being followed.

The next day, he went to the gym to start his training. The cameras were everywhere. They followed as he ran as fast as his body would allow him, a few hundred metres an hour. Reporters walked leisurely behind him, occasionally overtaking him, occasionally tripping him, just to see him fall. Each time he fell, it would become harder and harder for him to get up, and he finally he could no longer rise. The journalists sang inspirational songs for him to lift his spirits, and when they couldn't do it, they lifted him up themselves.
Two people lifted him up, one on either side. They were huge men, bald, with facial hair, the usual tough guys so that one can visualize them easy. One man walked towards him.

"Listen, I know its tough, but you gotta hang in there."
"You don't know how tough it is for me!"
"Sure I do. I got problems too, you know."
"But you're smiling."

The man went closer to Raju Singh's face, and his nose flared.

"I do have my problems."
"Like what?"
"My mother's in a coma and my father turned out to be a homosexual."
"So your mother's a vegetable and your father's a fruit. Big deal!"
"That's a crude way of putting it."
"You should have an explanation mark there, you know."
"Really?"
"Really."
"They matter?"
"They matter."
"That's a crude way of putting it!"
"Much better?"
"What?"
"Much better."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Oh golly gee! Thank you so much!"

He walked away with a smile on his face, or he walked away with the smile on his face intact, stronger than ever, overcoming even the depressed, forcing their lips to straighten at the very least, and curl like a satisfied cat in the opposite direction at the very most. He became a supermodel-cum-politician. His million-dollar smile made him a million dollars, and his presidential smile made him President.

Or did becoming president make his smile presidential?

Why is president written with a capital P?
It happened naturally.

"Oh, sure, walk away now, just when its getting tough! I knew you'd do that!"
"What did you just say?"
"You always walk away when the going gets tough."
"I dare you to say that again."
"You always walk away when the going gets tough."
"Gasp! How dare you?!"
"You dared me too!"
"Gasp!"

One of the huge bald men with facial hair walked over, one finger pointed at the other huge bald man with facial hair, the other at the gasping man.

"I haven't introduced the two of you yet, have I?"
"No you haven't."
"A.K.Dhar, meet O.K.Kar."

Which is which? Nobody knows.

Raju Singh realized he was free, and he ran. They never caught him. They never had a chance. They were introducing themselves to each other, and Raju ran like the wind, blowing all obstacles out of the way, even the elderly.

When they realized he had gotten away, it was too late. He was in sunny Mexico, relaxing on a beach chair, a glass of vodka in one hand, a bottle of vodka in the other. There was someone beside him. Someone else on a beach chair, someone else who had gotten away. An elephant, wearing dark glasses, a gold chain, and striped purple trunks. They were alone.

"I heard you got away from them."
"Yes, yes I did."

The elephant smiled, his shiny white teeth reflecting the sun.

"Boy, you and I are going to change the world."

Who are you?

I am John Doe.

That is your name. It is not who you are. If your name was different, you would not be a different person.

Who am I?

It is impossible to tell. You are not one person. You are various people, various personalities, rolled into one. Who you are depends almost entirely on where you are. You are a certain person with me, and you are a different person with somebody else. We have shells, various exoskeletons that we exit and enter, depending on the situation. You change who you are because you want to fit in. Because you want to be accepted. And you have changed yourself so many times, you have formed so many versions of yourself, so many different shades, that now you no longer remember which 'you' is real, and you are not sure who you are, and you cannot feel who you were. 

Who are you?

Silence.

This was the end

I remember the day it ended. He lay down on the beach, looking at magnificence all around him. The dark clouds hung over him menacingly, the wind rushing the sand out of the area, as if it was being evacuated. He looked up, and he saw me coming towards him. He smiled a faint, uneasy smile, his lips curved towards the left, but straight at the right. A billion year era was coming to an end, when I wanted it to continue so bad. I offered to hide him away. After all, it was my world. No, my universe. He refused my help. He said that he should end where he had begun.
We spoke about everything we did, about everything we could have done. All the wars he had fought, from Alexander to Hitler to Bush, all the inventions he had made, all the people he had killed, the jokes, the laughter, the grief, everything boiled down to this one last moment. He told me he understood, he told me he was sorry in a strange, nostalgic, melancholic kind of way. I knew it was time, and I felt his presence, I drank him in, one last time.
The waters rushed through, the tide had been crossed a long time ago. When he knew of his fate, he had tried to repair the damage, he had made an attempt to find himself. The ocean gathered momentum. Not the waves, not a tsunami, but an ocean. A giant wall of water, it reached the heavens. It surrounded him, a wall of blue-black, and he saw his reflection upon it, how disfigured he had become. He stared at the image of himself for a second, and then it engulfed him. I saw it from above, the death of genius. Just before it happened, I thought he looked up at me with the same odd curvature of the lips. But it didn't matter anymore. He was gone.
It was now my turn to sit on the beach, and observe the beauty of a world about to end. The stars shone through the clouds, there were so many of them, they were ready to come to me, to finish off what remained. A bright light drowned the others, it lasted for a second, but it was enough. The world was gone.

The adventure Arthur secretly enjoyed, but told everyone he hated, as he had a reputation to maintain.

Arthur walked into his living room to find an octopus sitting on the sofa, flashing its tentacles at the television, knocking it over. It was deep purple, Arthur's favourite colour, and so he did not mind as much as he would have to see a lemon green octopus. However, he was still rather angry. He walked over to James, who was on the living room sofa, reading the morning news.

"James, your an honest fellow."
"Certainly, sir."
"Your a modest fellow."
"Not at all, sir."
"But you allow me to take credit for your work. Why else would I employ you as my butler? After all, your reading my newspaper."
"Well, I may be humble outwardly. But in my head, I am better than anyone, and hope that everyone thinks I am the man."
"I do not care about what goes on in your head. Anyway, James, old chap, how do we get rid of the octopus?"

"I don't think we can get rid of it, sir. No, it must be killed."

"Quite profound, James. So how do we kill it?"

"Well, it must look like an accident, sir. How about a drug overdose?"

"Capital, James! I'll be right back!"

 

Arthur left the room, came back later with a suitcase, opened it to find various coloured briefs of the Dollar Underwear kind, closed the suitcase, went red in the face, left the living room, went to the drugstore, and returned to the living room five minutes later to find James taking aim at the octopus with a shotgun. James shot the octopus in the tentacle, which resulted in it flinging its other tentacles about, which in turn resulted in the destruction of Arthur's expensive sound equipment.

"Dammit James! I thought we were supposed to make it look like an accident."

"So did I, sir. But then I remembered that we are living in the U.S.A"

"Splendid, James! And for that, I shall present you with a nickname. How about Butler Boy?"

"Don't call me boy, sir."

"Well then. How about just butler?"

"Sure, sir."

"Well, then, butler, old boy-"

"Don't call me boy, sir."

"Oh. Sorry, butler, young man. Is that my expensive sound equipment?"

"What expensive sound equipment?"

"Those expensive bits of metal on the floor!"

"There WAS no expensive sound equipment."

"Oh. Ok, then. Wait a minute! Are you trying to hypnotise me?"

"Of course not. You will do what I say-"

"Dammit, James!"

"I apologise, sir. You are my slave-"

"Butler boy, butler boy!"

"Aaaaaaaaaah!"

Arthur thought he had finally beaten his butler in a somewhat amateurish battle of wits, but realised two seconds later that it was blinding physical pain, not mental anguish, that was the cause of James' scream. The octopus had pierced through his leg, and was flinging him around.

"Relax, James. No need to worry. I'll make sure I survive."

Arthur exited the room, re-entering it four minutes later with a suitcase and a sheet of paper.

"I've just been to the solicitors, James. If you sign right here, I shall receive all your money after-Oh my God!"

"Yes, I do believe the princess, the dutchess, and the pool boy-Oh hello James. Your back."

James was having tea with the octopus. Arthur had obviously underestimated James' extraordinary powers of diplomacy. 

"Arthur, won't you join us for some tea?"

"Why, sure. Don't mind if I do."

Arthur sat, and the biscuit entered, followed by another, and then some tea. His mouth was full, and then he realized what was about to happen. It was the worst possible ending to a day that begun with such hope. There was no way he could save James and the octopus. His mouth was full, and there was no time. He had to sneeze.

The microseconds in between the knowledge of the sneeze and the execution of it seemed to last an eternity, and Arthur's life flashed before his eyes, a life that was well-lived, and yet, only half-full. He remembered his childhood days as a quaint little village lad, his years as a musician lawyer, the case in which he represented Steven Tyler and won, and the case in which he represented Steven Tyler and lost.

James looked towards him, and Arthur stared, a stare in which he tried to penetrate into James' soul, a stare in which he tried to tell him that everything was going to be alright, that they would live, even if he wouldn't. Everything seemed to move in slow motion, and Arthur regretted all the wrong things he had done in his, as previously discussed, well-lived but half-empty life.

Then, out of nowhere, it happened. The sound that launched a war. Bit by bit, biscuit pieces flew out as if they were escaping from the dark prison that was Arthur, as if they joyously escaping hell, and they fell on the rug. The tea dripped casually, as if it was strolling out, and formed a puddle around his pants. Arthur looked around him, and felt the wind from the vaccuum cleaner blow all over his face. He was alive.

Outside of a little hut, six year old Netzteil, son of a peasant, stood. It was midnight, and flames surrounded him the soon-to-be orphan. He stood in the midst of the fire, oblivious to everything except what was happening in front of him. It was his father. The nobles were taking him away, along with all of the hundreds of others. His father struggled against their might, but his hands were bound, and his mortal body was no match for the iron rod. Everytime he struggled, they swung their weapons into him. In the end, he fell to the ground unconscious, and the dignified nobles were disgusted with him. They were forced to stoop and pick him up. Netzteil could no longer suppress his rage. They had taken away everything, their land, their money, their lives. They could not, they would not, remove his father. He picked up a small stone, and threw it at the noblemen. It him one of them on the cheek, and the crimson dripped out. He winced in pain, and turned towards the boy. But he was gone.
Ten years later, Netzteil stood in front of 3000 of the poorest men in the state. He was ten minutes away from the start of a war. He looked at all of their proud faces, he saw the anger in their eyes, and he shouted at the top of his voice.
" We are the sons of injustice, the offsprings of hate. We are also the gifted men of this earth. But our talents have been stolen from us by those who are unworthy. They are leeches, they feed on our blood till we have nothing to offer them. Then, they murder us. But not any more. Our Revolution has begun, and it is our time to destroy them. It is time for us to rule over them with iron fists. Do not stop until every last castle is plundered. Their pride, their nobility, shall be raped by our fury. We are the voice of a Revolution, and this voice shall be heard by every single one of those rich bastards. And they shall tremble upon hearing our footsteps when they put their ears to the ground. They shall beg for death, but we shall torture them further, slowly ripping out their organs, but keeping them alive to feel their pain, our pain. It is time for a new dawn. It is time for our day. Now, my brothers, CHARGE!"
They did exactly as he commanded. They had taken everything they could lay their hands on. Their ploughs,tools of peace, had been smelted and recast into swords, weapons of war. They plundered, they looted, they choked, they hung, they impaled. They released 50 years of anger in a single day. The nobles never stood a chance.
Six months later, the village was burning again. This time, however, the nobles were being thrown into the flames. Netzteil stood on top of a stack of hay, wearing a large crown that did not fit his head. Beside him, bound to a crucifix, was a noble. Netzteil held a blade. "Now, my brothers, this is a man who cared not for our suffering .Yet, he asks us for pity. You want my pity, you little scum?" And he slashed his knife across his face, a sharp, swift motion. A red line appeared, and it grew thicker and thicker, finally covering his entire left eye. The noble screamed. It was a scream of agony, a scream that represented everything he and the others had been feeling the past few months. It was not a human cry, for humans could not feel such pain. It sent a chill up Netzteil's spine. It was a cry he found very similar, something he had heard many times before.
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from the crowd. It hit Netzteil on the face. He turned around, his eyes red with anger, but it was too late. The little boy was gone.

"'I'm gonna draw a picture, a picture with a twist, i'll draw it with a razer blade, i'll draw it on my wrist."
-Anon.

The story of Mr Mann

Mr. Mann was driving his car, driving his car
to get away, far far away from this
world of men, men who he hated so much,
men who would not let him forget who he was just for a little while.

Mr. Mann then understood where he should go, he should go where others shall not dare to follow him,
Mr Mann parked his car, parked his car behind the alley,
beside the drug store.

Mr. Mann took a knife out of his pocket, a razor sharp knife,
and he thought for a while, a very little while,
and he tightened his grip and he cut his wrists,
slash slash slash, went the motion of his hand,
the blood poured out, blood so red and pure,
and the knife soon fell to the ground.
He was struggling to live, and he slumped to the floor,
dead as his dreams, the crimson still pouring out,
pouring into the street, past a local shaggy dog,
a shaggy dog who licked it, and fell to the ground too,
and it gushed into the gutter, where nobody would see it,
where nobody would care.

The day Santa died

Gagahut Police Station. 24th Dec, 2505.

"You think he's telling the truth?"
"You kidding me? This guy must be stoned or something."
"I dunno...I remember stories about some old man called Santa Claus. My nana loved talking about him."
"I don't care about some stories your nana told you. My guess is, this guy had a similar kinda nana, and he decided to pull of some kinda scam after hearing those stories."
"Yeah I guess so....after all, how can the guy be alive after all this while anyway?"
"Look. We gotta get a confession out of him. This story of his is crazy. I have a feeling he's gonna be pleading insanity."
"Your probably right. Lets go in."


The two men walked into the interviewing room, where there sat alone an old man. He wore a red suit, and a thin, torn sack was on the floor beside him. His beard was white and incredibly long, like he had been growing it for quite some time. He wore a hat, a red and white one, with a bell on top. He looked incredibly silly, and it was something children were expected to wear, not respected members of society.

"Now, Mr..."
"Santa Claus! I've told you a million times. My name is Santa Claus!"
"Sure it is. We'll just call you Shivramanian Krishna, ok?"
"No. Not ok!"
"Umm...how about Shivramanian Ganesh?"
"No!"
"This guy just refuses to cooperate, doesn't he, Johnson?"
"That's right, sir."
"Shut up, Johnson. Stop stating the obvious."
"Well said, sir."
"Dammit, Johnson! Shut the hell up!"
"Sorry."
"Sorry, what?"
"Sorry, sir."
"Dammit Johnson! Didn't I just tell you to shut the hell up?!"
There was no reply. Johnson began to sweat. He had been standing at attention for quite some time, trying to show off his impressive physique. No one, unfortunately, was interested. His arse began to cramp, and he winced slightly, before falling to the ground.
"Now listen, you. Your name is Shombhu." He was not very interested in Johnson.
"Whatever."
"That's better. Atleast now we can move on."
"Whatever."
"Now listen. What in the name of the Lord our God, Spongebob Squarepants, were you doing breaking and entering into 352 homes in one night?"
"I already told you, I'm San-"
"Don't give me that bullshit, old man!"
"There's no bullshit! It's all the truth!"
"Sure it is. You know what, Johnson?"
"What, sir?"
"I think we need to call in the professionals. You heard me, Shombhu? This is your last warning. Are you gonna co-operate or not?"
"Never!"
"Fine. Your mistake. We're calling in our number one detective. He specializes in breaking and entering cases, and he has graduated from the stud police."
"Whatever."
"His name, Shombhu, is Mr. Notver E. Clever. You had better pay him respect, old man."

The two men left the room, Johnson being carried out by his supervisor. Santa, or Shombhu, was devastated. This was not going according to plan, not at all. "This is not going according to plan.", he thought, "I might as well co-operate with these idiots. The sooner I help them, the sooner I get out."
At this moment, the famed detective entered.

"You must be Notver. E Clever. I hear you studied with the studs."
"What the hell did you call me, boy?"
"Notver. E Clever."
"Are you calling me dumb, boy?"
"No! Not at all! You are Notver. E Clever, right?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, boy?!"

Santa was slapped.
"Ow! What was that, for?!"
"Don't pretend like you don't understand, boy! Everyone understands! Shave that beard, boy! Your never going to get into the army looking like that! Get a decent life!"
"What in God's name are you talking about?!"
"Did you just take the name of Spongebob Squarepants in vain, boy?! How dare you, waltzing in here like you own the place, insulting our God, drinking our water."
"They dragged me in here, and you never gave me water!"
"Damn, boy. You are one tough cookie. You wouldn't go soggy in milk, would you? Well, guess what, noone likes it when the cookie doesn't go soggy. They like the wet cookie. You understand me, boy?!"
"No!"
"Damn, boy. Now listen to me. I'm on your side. Hell, there are three sides here. Like a triangle. But it ain't an equilateral triangle. Its downright isoscles."
"What are you talking about?!"
"Ok now listen. I'm gonna make a deal with you, boy. You tell me everything, and I'll make sure you get out real quick. You don't even hafta sign papers or anything. So, like an archaeologist says to a young man looking for a job, you dig?"
"I can't take this anymore! I need my insulin!"
"insu-what?"
"lin!"
"lin?"
"lin!"
"javelin?"
"insulin!"
"insu-what?"
"Aaaaargh! I can't take this anymore. I'm leaving this place. The children can go to hell!"

Santa banged his head repeatedly on the steel table. Blood poured out, and he was soon unconscious. But Mr. Clever understood what he wanted. And he finished the job for him.

The Boy Who Ruined Christmas

Jonathan S. Bedwetter was unable to sleep. Beads of sweat trickled down his forehead and it was too hot for a man who was used to comfort. He was a child prodigy, he was, although he didn't look the part. He was only six, but he had won 14 Nobel Prizes for his incredible contributions to the field of Literature, Science, and Mathematics, and he had successfully grown a french moustache. He hated Australia, but his parents forced him to move there because he had never got used to the accents. They wanted him to become more global, apparently.

Jonathan didn't know it, but it was Christmas eve. He didn't know, partly because of jet lag, but also because it was summer. He walked down the stairs to get a glass of milk, and maybe a little drink, when he saw him. He wore a red suit, and held a large sack on his shoulder. His beard was long and white, and he had a thick, flowing moustache. He wore a silly sort of hat with a bell on top, making him look rather obscure. However, the thing Jonathan found most suprising was how extraordinarily fat he was. Yes, this man would do just fine as a test subject. There was a lot of fat to be dissolved in him.

Santa Claus was terrified. This was the first time, in the last 3 years, someone had caught him in the act. When the little boy didn't cry out in joy and pull on his beard to see if he was real, and then yell out in joy till Santa knocked him on the head with his sack, he became wary. This boy was not normal. He would have to be cautious.

"Hello." said Jonathan.
"Why, hello little boy!"
"Don't call me that."
"Uhh...uh..sorry."
"You're going to be part of an experiment to lose weight. You will wait here, and I will return. Then, you shall have the pill I offer you."
"Umm...ok."

As soon as Jonathan left, Santa ran for the door. The boy was retarded, and he would not be subjected to a retard's experiments. Not again, at least. Unfortunately, he was a very fat man, and he had not exercised for the past hundred years, and he had barely taken two steps when Jonathan reentered the room. Santa continued his little sprint, but had to stop when Jonathan stood him front of the fat old man.

"Here you go."
"Uhh...uhh."
"Come on."
"Uhh..uhh."
"Eat it. NOW."

Santa was now quite unnerved. The small boy's gaze was tranfixed on him, and it was not very easy to say no to him. He would have to agree with him. If he didn't, the consquences would be devastating. This was not a boy to be ignored. You had to obey his demands. If you didn't agree with him, he would bite you on the crotch, cry, and tell his parents you tried to molest him. Then you would be sent away in a little truck, to spend the next ten years in a place where you yourself would be molested, a place where biting somewhere on the crotch would result on his crotch being removed, re-made, and reattached. So, after much thinking, Santa took the pill, and much to his dismay, the effects were immediate. The fat dissolved out of him in an instant, and the suit fell off. Soon, he was nothing but a thin, hairy, naked man. He gave a little yelp, and ran out of the room, quite fast this time.

17 years later, on Jonathan's first visit to a bar, he found the same old man inside, drinking away, trying to convince the other failures he was once successful. Jonathan had a conversation with him about life, love,football, and how the dirt inside his belly button could be removed with this fabulous new soap. Santa, it turned out, had been fired because he had grown too thin. He had taken to drinking, gambling, and spending his gambling money on drinking. He was now a wreck, but he had gained a little weight. Who knew, maybe in a couple of decades, he would rise from the ashes, and "like a ghost from a tomb", christmas would be reborn.

Peenal Pindi was unhappy with life. " I am short. So my life is short", he had said in his depressingly nasal voice before he tried to kill himself. He was currently tied to a chair, his ankles and his wrists aching, and his nose itching. He squirmed his face about to somehow scratch himself but was unable to. Two men and one woman were staring at him, rather bemused. One man was extremely tall and trying to impress the woman with his long arms. The other man was rather short and tried to impress the woman with his superior intellect. The woman, however, was deeply unimpressed and bored.

"Let's get back to the study then. Why did you try and kill yourself, sir? ", asked the woman.
"Because my wife kept calling me Mr. Pindi."
"So? "
"She's my wife! "
"He's delirious!" exclaimed the short man with the superior intellect.
"Quiet you! Didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut at all times unless I asked you to speak?"
"Yes, ma'm."
"Did you just speak again?!"
The short man gave a little squeal and ran back to his corner, hanging from the ceiling with his hands, trying to make himself taller.

"My nose itches. Can you scratch it?"
"Sure." she said. However, she did not move. She seemed rather preoccupied with the notes she was making in her notepad.
"Ma'm, can you please scratch my nose?"
"Yes yes. That's nice." She was now staring at the short man. She was doing this because the short man's pants had fallen off. The short man hadn't noticed, and thought she was staring at him because of an inevitable truth. He, Muchacho Lorenzo Philipino, possessed sex appeal. He had always suspected it. Now he knew it was true. He decided to strut around, flex his biceps, and maybe life Mr. Pindi with one arm and do the disco with the other, when he tripped over his pants and fell to the floor. Visions of him doing the uptown funk with the woman dissaparated. The woman now began to write frantically. The short man guessed she was making notes on his behaviour, and went to the corner to sulk. He took out his mobile phone and called his mother.

"Mr. Pindi, can you-"
"Aaah!"
"What's wrong?"
"You called me Mr. Pindi."
"So?"
"Don't you remember?! I hate being called that!"
"Really? That's interesting." said the tall man suddenly. An evil smile spread across his mouth, and his eyes seemed to gleam. Mr. Pindi was sure he was having satanic visions and begun to chant his mantras.

The tall man approached him.
"Mr. Pindi Mr. Pindi Mr. Pindi Mr. Pindi Mr. Pi-"
"Oh my God! Oh Raam! Oh Chondro! Oh Raam Chondro Gopal Ray!"
Suddenly the noise stopped. Mr. Pindi opened his eyes. The tall man was kneeling on the floor, his hands tied behind his back. There was a hamburger in his mouth. He tried to eat it, but it dropped to the floor. The tall man started crying, tore his hands away from his ropes, picked up the short man, threw him away, sat in his corner, began to sulk, and called Dominoes.

"This is going nowhere. Mr. Pindi, why-"
"Ayee! Raam! Gopal! Ow!" The woman had slapped him. She walked away, leaving him tied to the chair, unable to move, unable to eat, and unable to urinate. He spit on the floor, and his teeth were red with the stains from his paan. Soon, the tall man left, carrying the short man under his arm. He was left there to die.

He was found 3 days later, after the woman had commited suicide. His face had almost sunk into his bones, and his skin was so dry scales had developed on it. His face was pale, and green veins were clearly visible throughout it. His eyes were no longer the brown they used to be. They were white, and the iris and the pupil could not be diffrentiated from each other. His rib cage was clearly visible, and if you looked hard enough, you could make out where the heart used to beat. The anorexic detective said,"What? He looks alright only." His teeth, however were in perfect condition. They were only a little red.

Come with me [Am] , we shall leave
We shall [Em] see the birds and bees
We'll see [G] all there is to see
We have [D] everything we need.

Pack your [Am] suitcase full of love
And leave [Em] everything behind
We'll [G] lie down on the soft green grass
True [F] happiness we'll find
We'll be [D] content with our lives
[Dm] Why don't you join me?

We'll see the [Am] stars shine at night
We'll meet the [Em] people of the world
We'll [G] hang from trees, we'll swim in seas
We'll [D] see the pretty girls

We'll see [Am] paradise on earth
Right [Em] before it sinks before away
[G] Underground, never to be [F] found again
Lets pretend we're there [D]
[Dm] Why don't you join me

The man who saved the world...almost.

"Do you like chicken? No? Well, don't fret. Have some Russian vodka."
"I don't like Russian vodka."
"You think it's cheap and leaves a bad aftertaste, don't you?!", he said, in an angry tone.
"Yes."
"You think your better than me, don't you?!?!", he screamed. He was struggling to control his anger. This meeting was not going as smoothly as he thought it would.
"Yes. Yes I do, actually."
"Ohhh...". His voice was distant and dreamy, and he looked like he was no longer interested in the confrontation. He had all the evidence he needed to put him away for a long long time, but strangely, he didn't want to use it. Somewhere, in the deepest corners of his mind, a voice told him he wasn't in control anymore. He ignored the voice. It was too little, too insignificant to be heard.
"You will destroy that evidence",the hypnotist said,"You will forget I ever came here, and you will let me go....NOW!"

The hypnotist was out of the building two minutes later. He couldn't believe how easy it had all been. The man had given up in less than a minute. He now realized how incredible his gift truly was. He could do anything he wanted to do. He could be anyone he wanted to be. He could be rich, richer then anyone in the world. He could have unlimited power and control whenever he flicked of his fingers. He could have a million women, worshipping him, bowing at his feet, begging for his attention. He could become President if he wanted to. He had the power to bring change. Change for the better. He could save the world.No one would realize. No one would understand. No one could stop him.

He was planning his next move, the next phase of his master plan to save the world, when the car hit him. He was a mess, lying on the sidewalk, his leg angling away from its position, blood gushing out from his mouth and eyes. When the man stooped down to transport him away, he told him to kill him. It was his final flash of brilliance. The last thing he felt was a terrible, blinding pain, and then he was gone; his plan gone with him.

23 Days

There once was a rich man who was feeling bored
There was nothing in this world that he could not afford
He could buy all of the world's superglue
He could, if he wanted, buy Timbuktu
So he came up with a plan that was rather balmy
He decided to raise a really big army
He conquered the Chinese, and Japan too
He visited them and he learnt Ju-jit-su
He visited India, he ate chicken roll
And soon, Asia was under control
In Africa, he learnt how to grow some good maize
He conquered the world in 23 days.
He was the king of ze world for 24 hrs
When aliens finally arrived from Mars
They wanted to visit the leader, they said
They visited him, and soon he was dead.
The king of the Martians, Popilius Roeder
was fat and omitted an unpleasant order.
He was ruled for 8 yrs, he was very mean.
Worse times than his times were never before seen.
Everyone wanted the martians to go.
A big revolt soon sprang up in Mexico
On the 2nd night of the 3rd week of May
The Mexicans finally saved the day.
We gave them Swiss chocolates, they became our king.
They became quite rich, they had loadsa bling-bling.
But Mexicans are mean, they eat chocolate bars.
I'm beginning to miss the men from mars.

The adventures of Sam And The Short Ones

Sam was a wise young man. He woke up one day to find his shoes missing. This greatly disturbed him. He walked barefoot, around the house, searching for the missing shoes. He opened the cupboard door to find a strangely short man inside. And that was the start of the mayhem. Beside the strangely short man, there was a large apple pie, wide as a tyre, a crust deliciously thin. The sweet intoxicating smell of the pie seemed to quite literally 'take his breath away'. "Dont smell that!",shouted the strangely short man,"It'll kill you! It's a breathtaking pie!". Sam did not like what was happening. This what a bit too much for him. His cupboard was being occupied by a strangely short man with an evil apple pie he was not supposed to smell, and his shoes were missing. He was about to close the door and go back to sleep when the words of the strangely short man stopped him. "I know where your shoes are.",he said. He smiled in the most evil manner as he said this, and that was the first time Sam realized he was about to enter a world which was very unwordly, and there was no way back for the young man from Africa. However, he had no choice. His shoes were missing, and he simply could not, and would not, go on with his dreary, meaningless life without the comfort, sense of belonging, and security he felt when he put on his lovely bunny slippers.

"Tell me where they are then!"
"No!"
"Why not?!"
"Alright fine! The Great Earl has your shoes!"
"Lets get it from him then!"
"OK!"

Before Sam could reply, he passed out from smelling the breathtaking apple pie.
Sam woke up for the second time that day to find his shoes still missing. At first, he didn't notice anything wrong, but when another strangely short man ran into the room, pinched his nose, and ran off, he realized he wasn't at home, and his nose hurt. He was in a strange room with a strangely short ceiling. He got up, bumped his head several times, and made it to the other side of the room to find the door locked. He could still hear voices however, and he pressed his rather large ear against the door to overhear what was meant to be a private conversation.

"His nose is small!"
"So what? He's human."
"I don't like him."
"He'll have to do. After all, the Great Earl stole his shoes"
"Fine!"

This was again getting too a little too much for the young wise man, who before this odd experience, had had a quite, peaceful, mildly fulfilling life. He passed out once again.
After waking up for the third time that afternoon, he felt he was owed an explanation. He walked to the other room and found the two strangely short men having a cup of tea.

"Ah, your up"
"Well. I think we owe you an explanation."
"I think you do!"
"Well, you see, the Great Earl lost his shoes one day. So, in a fit of rage, he stole yours."
"Why couldn't he just buy a new pair?"
"Ah.....umm...."

Soon there was a very uncomfortable silence, as the angry African man was staring at the two short ones intent on hearing a very satisfying explanation for the strange occurrences of the day. Unfortunately, there was no answer to his question, and in the end, after five minutes of silence, one of the strangely short men spoke.

"Well, it doesn't matter does it."
"True. Very true indeed."
"So you see, my grace-deprived human, you must take the shoes back."
"Ayee. Fine. Where's the Great Earl?"
"Right beside you."

Finally, Sam noticed the strangely short man in a wheelchair. His face was wrinkly, dry, and cracked up, and he looked like he deeply wanted some 'Nivea Cold Cream For Men'. Sam, however, felt no pity for the old man who had stolen his shoes. He kicked him in the shin, took his shoes, and wore it. For the first time in the day, he felt like he was finally awake. The strangely short man began celebrating, started a tremendous fireworks display, and the house burned down.Soon afterwards, Sam passed out once again.

Sam woke up, back at home, asleep in his bed, with his shoes in place. At his bedside was a cup of tea, and a letter that said,"Thanks for your help. It's been a wild ride.-The short men"

All elephants look alike

Jonathan S.Bedwetter was wandering in the street. He didnt know where he wanted to go, but he was sure he didnt want to go to the sweet shop. As he was walking, a car pulled up beside him. IT was a limousine, jet black, about the size of 4 normal cars. He held his face to the window, trying to peer inside. Just then, the door opened and the glass struck him on the face. An elephant wearing a black blazer and white half pants walked out. "You idiot!",he said, "You almost broke my car!". John was shocked at this angry remark. He expected a kind old man to walk out and give him a band-aid or something. Instead an angry elephant was screaming at him. "You almost broke my nose!", he replied.
Now it was the elephants time to be suprised. He expected Jonathan to be scared and pee in his pants. Instead he was talking back at him. No, this would simply not do. He would have to teach him a lesson. He stomped on him, and even though Jonathan was already dead, he flung him around and tore him apart. Then, he entered his limousine and drove off.
Jonathan's body was found the next day. The chief inspector of police, Mr Frank Lee, was called in to investigate. He entered the house of the Bedwetters. He met up with Jonathan's mother and told her about the murder. He said "Ma'm, after examining all the evidence, I have to conclude that your son was murdered by a elephant. " Jonathan's mother didnt believe this. "Frankly, Mr Frank Lee, I think your a piece of shit." Saying this, she left the room. Mr Frank Lee was deeply insulted. He refused to work on the case anymore, stole a clock, and left.
They never found the murderer. He got away scot-free. Right now, he's swimming in his pond, bragging to his elephant buddies, about how he got away with the greatest murder ever, And theyll never catch him now, because all elephants look alike.

Farmer John
John was terribly bored
His Josie he no longer adored
So he took out his knife
And killed his own wife
And buried her beneath the floor

The following poem was written during an extraordinarily boring period of bangla.


Raju was a mad man, he liked to eat leaves
Ramu was a rich man, he had a butler named jeeves
One fine day the two of them, they met in the park
Raju was mad, he thought he was a dog, he silently began to bark.
Ramu suddenly ran home, he had forgotten to turn of the gas
Raju thought he was taunting him, he bit him on the ass.
Clutching his ass, poor poor Ramu fell hard to the ground
He shouted "Why must be bitten by a man who thinks he's a hound?"
Unfortunately for Ramu, it hurt so incredibly bad
He died on the spot, he died, the poor lad
The funeral was quick and short, on his gravestone twas written
"Ramu the great suffered at the hands of fate, by a mad man he was bitten"

Ta-Da!

The noise was hurting me. So I stopped it. Now that I could focus, I started looking around me. When the bison appeared in front of me, I got petrified. Then, he stopped. He took out his glasses from his pocket, which was weird, because he didnt have a pocket to take out his glasses from. (!) I asked him how he felt about the way things turned out. He was obviously in a good mood and said he liked chicken. Then , he started to laugh. As his belly started to shake, i realized i had to kill him before everything became harder. Looking at the glass between us, I couldnt believe I could. He got his chicken and ate it. I saw him, rather amused, and who wouldn’t be, seeing a bison with glasses eating chicken. . As he saw the bird fly out the window, he jumped out. He probably never knew what happened.
They asked me to speak. I didn’t want to. I had my work. But I did. I spoke about everything we did, and everything we didnt do, and by the time the end came, I was pleased with myself, not just pleased with myself, but proud. And it felt so nice. Till everything ended. And the noise started.

THE STORY OF RAMU

Ramu drove his car to the supermarket. He wanted to buy cauliflowers. He parked his car beside a karate teacher’s car. He went inside and bought the cauliflowers. As he was going out, an alarm rang. This alarm rang because he had forgotten to pay for the cauliflowers that he had bought from the supermarket a few seconds before the alarm rang. Unfortunately for him, the owner did not believe him. The owner called the police. The police came an hour later because they had got delayed in a donut shop. The police were very angry with Ramu for trying to shoplift cauliflowers. They called him a bad man and did not listen to him when he told them that he did not try to shoplift cauliflowers He was sent to prison. When Ramu entered the prison, he was very scared. He did not like the weird smell that came from the inspector’s office. He had to stay in a cell for 365 days. Another person was in the cell with him. That person’s name was Shinji. Shinji went to jail for killing the ice-cream man when he could not give him any ice-cream as he was out of ice-cream. This happened 4 years ago. He was 12 years old now. Ramu was very sad in the cell as Shinji was very mean to him. He would pinch Ramu’s ears and call him a donkey. Ramu was very sad in prison. One day, he decided to stand up to Shinji. When Shinji tried to pinch his ears, he blocked his hand. Then, he punched his stomach. Suddenly, in a fit of rage, Ramu bit Shinji’s ass. A big fight started. Shinji took out some rope and tried to strangle Ramu. Unfortunately, he tried to do it like a cowboy. He was a very bad cowboy. His rope fell to the ground and he tripped over it and hurt his head. Then, a person came and opened the cell to stop the fight. Ramu saw this as his chance for escape. He kicked the man in the face and ran away. Nobody noticed him go. The donuts the police had ordered had just arrived. Ramu slipped out of the police station and ran away. His plan was to run away to Mexico. Unluckily, someone had stolen his car. So, he stole a kid’s bicycle and decided to use it to run away to Mexico. Unfortunately, the police came to know of his plan. As soon as Ramu started off the next day, he noticed the police behind him. However, the policemen were driving very slowly as the driver was a person who just got his license. His partner, a 43 year old, was afraid to drive. Ramu drove his bicycle faster and faster. Unfortunately, he did not notice that there was a traffic jam and he banged into a truck. Ramu lay unconscious. Thanks to the red light, Ramu did not get run over. The policemen could not get him as there was a big jam and they were far away from him. They could not walk as the new driver was wearing sandals and was embarrassed to go out in them. The absent-minded 43 year old had forgotten to wear his shoes and did not want his bare feet to touch the hot ground. Ramu regained his consciousness and got up and escaped. He went to the supermarket again. He had to do something before running away to Mexico. He entered the supermarket and saw the owner. He took some ice-cream and threw it at the owner. The owner was shocked. He called him an ass. Ramu got very angry to hear this and demanded an apology. The owner did not apologise and threw frozen chicken at him. Ramu dodged and another shopper got hit. Ramu was extremely angry now. He took some sauce and dropped it on the floor. The owner got distracted. Then, Ramu threw a fish at him. Before the owner could react, Ramu threw another fish at him. The owner fainted. Then, Ramu started spoiling the food. He mixed the sauce with the ice-cream and the oil with the chicken and the peanut butter with the fish. Then he caught a plane and went to Mexico. In Mexico, he was regarded to be a great man and he became the president.

Maths ruins everything.

Finally, one day, I decided to give up chicken. But then, I decided against it. The very same day, I met a man on the road.
"How do you feel?", I asked.
"Sick", he replied.
"Oh. Whats it like?"
"Sick"
"Makes sense I guess"
Yes"
Then , I was silent. I became very uncomfortable and I ran away. I ran so fast it made me feel happy. It made me feel alive. Then, I died.
As I stood among the molten flames, everything fell apart, then culminated into an unreal, unsure, cold, unforgiving existence. And it feels sick. And i understand everything now.

Karma Police

the video

On an August morning in 1978, French filmmaker Claude Lelouch mounted a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive at breakneck speed through the heart of Paris. Raju. The film was limited for technical reasons to 10 minutes; the course was from Porte Dauphine, through the Louvre, to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur. No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit. The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly 140 MPH in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up real one-way streets. Upon showing the film in public for the first time, Lelouch was arrested. He has never revealed the identity of the driver, and the film went underground until a DVD release a few years ago.